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12/10/2008 SundaysSundays........I am still experiencing that 'love/ hate' relationship with them. It was always the one day of the week where we were always together as a family. Today we rode to church in our new car, first time we were all 3 in it...... As excited as I am about having a new car today my thoughts were on how Mitchell has never been in it.... he would love it. We have considered off and on throughout the year about moving into a new house, but decided against it for various reasons, one being having to box up Mitchell's things and move into a house where he had never been........weird, I know, but our reality.
Sundays are usually an emotional day for me....today was not an exception. Today there was a baby dedication.....both baby boys......and then we had the introduction of our new children's pastor. Our pastor had all the children from 1-5 grade come up front.......Meredith marched on up there(she is getting so big). It was a big group of kids, a goodlooking group of kids. As I scanned over the kids the tears began to flow......there were all of Mitchell's buddies.....no Mitchell. I started thinking about all that Mitchell was missing out on.......or more selfishly what I was missing out on.
I was sitting and stirring in my selfish thoughts as the pastor began to speak, telling the story of Paul in chains. How Paul used his time in prison and in chains to advanced God's word. He did not choose to complain or turn from Christ instead he would share Jesus with each of the guards he was chained to. The point was that we can either collapse or convert during our times of struggles. Oh, how I have wanted to many times.......it would be so much easier to just collapse........I remember listening to Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife speak on Larry King one night about losing their 5 yr old daughter in a tragic accident. His wife said something that held so much truth for me. She said "We fell hard, we fell far and we landed face down, BUT we landed on SOLID ground." Actually, I have collapsed......several times but each time I have collapsed into Christ's arms because He alone is the ONE that can convert my struggles into joy some day.
I was also reminded that Mitchell is NOT missing out on anything.....he is living the life that I CANNOT wait to live one day, until then, like Paul, I will continue to do fruitful work for Christ.
"For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better." (Phillipians 1:21)
Grace and Peace
Tracy 06/10/2008 Cookbooks are here!
Make room on your shelf for your new favorite cookbook. Mitchell's Angels present 'Angel Food.' I cried when I first saw it.......not just because it is so adorable, but because it was truly made with SO much love by my girlfriends. The girls really put a lot of thought and work into this cookbook to make it just perfect and I think it is. On the back is a picture Meredith drew of her future family and home.....with her angel, Mitchell, peeking over the clouds. You won't want to miss out on this 170 page book full of wonderful recipes. If you would like one you may go to mitchellsangels.com or make checks payable to GO Mtich GO ($20 + $5 SH) and send to: GO MITCH GO fund c/o Dona Whitaker, PO Box 1777; Choctaw, OK 73020. Proceeds will go to the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society to continue Mitchell's dream of finding a cure. Thanks for your support!
05/10/2008 ComfortWell, we have now made it past/through all of the "firsts." Some days during these last couple of weeks have hit me like it were a year ago. The smell or feel of the air would take me right back to those last days. Wed, was Oct. 1st, I was meeting a friend to run right after I dropped Meredith off for school. As I sat in my car waiting for her, I watched as Mitchell's classmates loaded the bus to head out to 'Camp Classen,' a camp that the 5th graders get to go to for a few days. Of course I cried.....Mitch would have loved it. I could feel my anger and bitterness begin to creep up(God get out your "claw" for those weeds again....) all I could think about was that one year ago on that day, was the last time we saw our Mitchell. Although dead......we could still SEE him and TOUCH him. The next day the casket would be shut and lowered into a hole dug for our son...........still so painful, so unreal.....yet very real.
I have been reading a devotional book(Grace for Grief)since the Sunday after Mitchell passed away. This week focused on The Beatitudes. Yesterday was the final devotion for the week and the book. Appropriately, the verse was...
"Blessed are those who mourn. They will be comforted."(Matthew 5:4).
I got to thinking about this....I guess if I were to look back, in all honesty, I did not think comfort would EVER come in any way, shape or form. In my line of work, I have worked with burn patients...it is my least favorite thing to do. Never have I ever seen people in greater physical pain than in the burn unit. No type of ointment or treatment seemed to soothe their pain. After Mitchell died, I felt like this.....NOTHING soothed my pain nor did I forsee the pain ever subsiding. I ran into a friend of mine this last week, her son and Mitchell were buddies. She hugged me and said she was thinking of me. She continued on to say " I am sure there is no comfort in words......." In the beginning words were not comforting.....my least favorite were "He is in a better place now....." In MY mind, as Mitchell's MOTHER there was NO better place than with me, even though I belived in God and knew Mitchell was in Heaven.....he still was not with me.
You know the saying "Time heals all pain." I am not saying that it is true....the pain is still very much there and very strong. I guess like a burn victim, my scars are still very visible and the new skin is still tender to the touch, but my soul has been comforted over these last 12 months and there has been healing. I am comforted by the words and actions of others, by knowing that they still think of Mitchell and remember our loss. I have shared with you about my new adventure of gathering 40 plus friends and joining together to raise money and find a cure. It has been very comforting for me to watch these women work so hard for this cause in honor of Mitch and to know that we are making a differnece for others(go to mitchellsangels.com to learn more).
I know there is much more healing ahead and more comfort to be had. I hope in time that because of the comfort that I have experienced through Christ, family and friends that I will be able to comfort others who may experience our same loss. |
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