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27/11/2008 Being thankful.....Someone had told me that the second year after losing a loved one was harder than the first. I had thought impossible....no way could my heart hurt any worse than it did a year ago. I had wished it would not be true. Today I am learning it very well could be true. Mitchell's absence has been so strong in our home these last few weeks and even more so today. I think last year at this we were still numb, Mitchell's death was still very fresh and we were running on "auto pilot."
Last week our Sunday School teacher challenged us to read Psalms 100 and if we felt lead to share other verses and things we were thankful for. In all honesty, I struggled with it and still am today. I do have so many things to be thankful for.........but my list of the things I am not so thankful for seem to be weighing heavily on my heart and mind. How can I be thankful when my son is dead!?
Thing is.......God has given us freedom of choice......I must make a conscious effort to be thankful and rejoice in all circumstances......like Paul was when he was in prison for serving Christ. I must not let my grief become chains that cause me to walk down a path of ungratefulness. So I have been working on my list of things I am thankful for......(i have shortend it so you do not burn your turkeys reading this...)
I am thankful for:
A God whose grace and love are suffiecient for even me.
A husband who loves me unconditionally.
A daughter who brings me joy each day.
Family and friends who have given us so much support that we will never ever be able to repay it.
The gift of Mitchell........my precious son. We will forever be grateful for the time we had with him and even more grateful that because of God's love for His own son, we will see our son again one day.
"Enter into his gates with thanksgiving and into his courts with praise. Give thanks to him and bless his name. For the Lord is good. His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation."
Happy Thanksgiving from Team Whitaker
12/11/2008 Soaring on 'Angels' wings"Yet, the strength of those who wait with hope in the Lord will be renewed. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and won't become weary. They will walk and won't grow tired."
I have a confession, I did not get up and run today.......my alarm went off @ 5am and I shut it off and rolled over. I just did not have the energy....I couldn't do it. This is after I have given my angels the talk on "just do it" because that's what Mitchell did. I have been more than overwhelmed these last few weeks and I am weary. My mind has been flooded with thoughts and memories of Mitchell. Maybe it is because every where I would go I would see his picture or hear his name due to all the wonderful fundraisers "Mitchell's Angels" have been doing. Which is great, but also bittersweet for me. I am excited about what we are doing, spreading the word about the number one childhood cancer and raising money to find a cure for leukemia and other blood cancers........but then I am reminded why.......
The "why" hit me about 27 minutes into my run on Tues morning, I do not nomally listen to my ipod when I run, but I decided I needed a little boost. A song came on that brought me back to 3 nights before Mitchell passed away. He had been pretty restless the night before so they had decided to try a sleeping pill.......needless to say just like many other times, Mitchell had the opposite reaction. My sister-in-law, Vicky, had stayed with me that night, John was in another room trying to rest after spending 3 days in ICU, nothing we did soothed Mitchell. I finally crawled up in bed with him, wrapped my arms around him, pressed my cheek to his and began humming any song that came to my mind. If I would stop, he would stir.....after about 30 minutes I was fresh out of songs and exhausted. I found John's ipod, I put one earphone in Mitchell's ear and one in mine, still laying with my arms wrapped around him cheek to cheek we both rested.........So 27 minutes in to my run Tuesday I hear a song that reminded me of that night and began weeping.....many people ask me how can I run 26.2 miles without any music.......truth is.....I can't run with it.
I came across the above verse this last week. Grief, I have found, can be very exhausting. I have 'waves' of weariness and I never know when it will hit, this week it has hit and I cannot seem to hit the pavement running. I am disappointed in myself.....after all I am "Charlie" I am the one making all these other girls get up at the crack of dawn and run. But as I read this verse I was reminded where my strength will come from. So, I will contiue to wait with my hope in the Lord and though I do not have any eagles near by at the moment to soar on their wings, I do have many earthly "Angels" that have allowed me to ride on theirs. Thank you "Mitchell's Angels" for all of your hard work and determination. We ARE making a difference one step at a time!
If you would like to join in fighting to find a cure go to mitchellsangels.com
We are grateful for your friendship and support, much love,
Tracy
01/11/2008 A chang of seasons.....Fall has always been my favorite season......I love the crispness of the air, the cool mornings and my very favorite, watching the leaves change colors. Since the kids were little, I would always point out "pretty" trees, I wanted them to see another amazing part of God's creation. Even when Mitchell and I would be making the dreaded trip down to the clinic he would spot the trees changing color. Last year I do not recall noticing the changing of the leaves, not on one single tree...........I just remember seeing them bare, looking cold and lifeless and thinking that is how I felt.......stripped of a part of me that made me who I was, stripped of my colors, stripped of my purpose.
This week, I continue to experience God's healing in my life. I HAVE notice the leaves changing colors, sometimes through blurred vision due to tears, but I HAVE noticed them. For me, there is comfort in God's creation. Another beautiful creation of God's that I have experienced this week......and not JUST this week, but through this whole time of Mitchell's sickness and his passing, is freinds. God has blessed me with THE GREATEST friends, at times I feel unworthy to be surrounded by such beautiful people.
I have shared about my new adventure in gathering 40 friends to celebrate my 40th birthday, by running a half/full marathon. Would you beleive they are STILL my friends even after 11 weeks of not so fun training?! I wanted to update you on our progress.
This last Monday, we held our first annual Go Mitch Go golf tournament. It was the coldest and windiest day of the entire week, but the sun was shining bright and we had 74 golfers come out and enjoy a day of golf. "Mitchell's Angels" did a fantastic job in organizing the event. John and I were in awe and grateful to all involved. For me as time passes I fear so will my memories of Mitchell.....this tounament gives us something to grasp on to, something to plan and look forward to each year and something to keep Mitchell's fighting spirit alive. Thanks Angels!
We have 11 weeks to go and a few more fundraising events, be sure to visit mitchellsangels.com and check them out. Thanks to all who have already donated. I am thrilled that we are spreading the awareness of blood cancers.....each dollar brings us closer to a cure.
I came across this scripture last week. "This is too much work for you. You can't do it alone!" (Exodus 18:18) I know this pertains to Christ, and there is NO WAY I would be standing today without Him. But I also believe that He created friends(and family) for this very purpose....to share our 'load' and my friends have definitly done just that. Thanks girls! I love you each dearly!
May you see God's beauty in the colors of each leaf.................and in your friends.
*be sure to check out the new pics
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