Tonight I find myself experiencing an emotion that I had not experienced......and tried to avoid during Mitchell's illness and then after his death. I am almost embarrassed and ashamed to admit it, but I feel that maybe if I let it out in words I will feel better and maybe it will go away.....Tonight I am experiencing anger.....anger towards God.

This evening I read a story about a man, a father, here in town, who killed his 9 year old son, yes I said KILLED and later heard about a woman, a mother(in another state) that sold her 5 year old daughter to be a sex object and later they found the little girl's dead body. I am not sure if I can even put my feelings into words right now. In hearing this, I felt nauseated, a lump came up in my throat and I had to fight back the tears. So many thoughts came into my head.....one word kept repeating itself in my head.....WHY. Why in the world were these people allowed to be parents?! Why was this man allowed to have a son when obviously he was not father material, while was my son taken from me......WHY was this man allowed to be a father when we have a precious friend, a father of four, lying in a hospital bed fighting for his life after suffering a brain injury. Why was this woman allowed to have a precious daughter, when my friend is not able to have babies... WHY!?

I have not been one to ask God why......I believe that He loves me and that He knows and wants what's best for me. This emotion tonight came as a shock to me, I just do not understand. Do not misunderstand me.....I am not turning away from God I do still believe He loves me and His plan is what is best for my life. But I am after all only human. Some days I wish my time to meet Jesus would come soon so I could get my questions answered.

No special encouragement from me tonight.........just a mother missing her boy, wishing he were here and wondering WHY me?