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23/02/2009 Those little reminders..........Tonight I sit here typing with the aroma of Johnson and Johnsons' baby lotion on my hands and tears in my eyes. When I was putting Meredith to bed or maybe I should say rushing to get her to bed so I could finish up folding laundry and get myself into bed, she told me her feet were dry. My response was "put lotion on them." Then she asked if I would rub her feet with lotion.......... At first I was a little annoyed...I had things to do, but I did it anyway. As I rubbed Meredith's little feet(that aren't all that little anymore....)I closed my eyes and inhaled....if you remember back, this was a 'special' thing I did for Mitch each night before he would go to sleep in the hospital or I would do it to help him to calm down if he were upset.......all of the sudden the laundry could wait. She asked me how come my eyes were closed, I simply said I was remembering when I did this for Mitchell....she then said "Are you going to cry?" I didn't, but am fighting the tears back now.....
I checked in on a friend today on her website and found this so fitting for my days lately. I was annoyed that Meredith couldn't put her own lotion on, but her 'piggys' were where my attention needed to be tonight......not on the laundry and whatever else may have been on my to do list.
Remember to kiss those piggys goodnight......it IS a BLESSING.
I am studying the book of Esther with some friends. I learned something new this morning. Before Mordecai made Esther aware of the edict against her people, her biggest problem was probably deciding what to wear, or what to serve at the next banquet. When she was confronted with a life and death situation, those other things ceased to matter.
I remember one day when Anna was sick, Jacob came to me and confessed that he had broken one of the bowls I had gotten as a wedding present. Before Anna was sick, I would have lectured him and then made him use a plastic bowl. On that day I said "That's okay, get another bowl." When faced with life and death, broken bowls aren't important. There was also a time when the neighbors got upset because of a car parked in front of their house. I remember thinking, "Why does that matter? Don't you have anything else to get upset about?" "Here's the trap...If we distance ourselves long enough from real needs, we replace them with those that aren't...We are wise to force ourselves to keep differentiating between simple inconveniences and authentic tribulations. The more detached and self-absorbed we become, the more we mistake annoyances for agonies." ("Esther" by Beth Moore, p 92) I read that this morning and immediately thought of socks. Yesterday when I went to get Will at gymnastics he couldn't find his socks. His shoes were in the cubby, but his socks were no where to be found. My response was to treat this like an "authentic tribulation". I couldn't believe that he could lose ANOTHER pair of socks. Doesn't he know that I can't just keep buying socks? Why doesn't he take better care of his socks? Doesn't he know that socks don't grow on trees???? I was ANGRY!!!! Why did that bother me so much? Would it have bothered me if I had something more important to be concerned about? How many times do we let little things bother us when they are nothing compared to genuine problems? Have I forgotten what is important? Have I forgotten to be thankful for a boy who is healthy enough to go to gymnastics? Obviously I have. I don't want to forget the lessons I learned from Anna. I want to stay changed. I don't want to fall apart over missing socks.
"Lord help me remember what life and death feels like. Don't let me lose what I have gained. Forgive me for being concerned about things that aren't important rather than things that are. Don't let me become detached from the suffering of others as I lick my own wounds. Don't let me get away with treating inconveniences as tribulations. Don't leave me to myself. Continue the good work that you began in me." 17/02/2009 So many thoughts......so little time.....I was asked last week by one of my friends what the "deal" was.....why hadn't I written on the blog is so long. Truth is I have wanted to, but I have had SO many thoughts that it has been hard to condense it on to "paper."
Upon returning from the marathon in Phoenix, I needed some "down time." It was SO SO amazing and I was SO SO overwhelmed with emotions. My heart has been on quite the rollercoaster over these last few weeks. As I said, the marathon was truly amazing......I thought John did a great job describing the weekend.....well, for the most part anyway. He was a trooper keeping up with all of us women. My girlfriends threw me the most beautiful surprise birthday party.....and i was REALLY surprised that out of 49 women not one of them spilled the beans......I wasn't expecting anything because to me they had already given me the best birthday gift when they signed up to run a marathon in Mitch's honor. But is was awesome and I loved every moment of it.
I will have to say my favorite part of the whole weekend was getting to greet many of the girls as they crossed the finish line. After I finished, I was able to sweet talk my way back up to the finish line area, my calf muscles were so sore because I waited standing on my tip toes....I didn't want to miss a single angel passing by. I loved screaming their name and running to hug them as they crossed that finish line. It was more emotional for some than others as they finished what they set out to do, as they stepped outside of their comfy zones and took my challenge to step into an unknown zone. All 49 crossed that finish line.......it was amazing beyond words...They honored Mitchell with beauty and grace and raised over $200,000 to help us find a cure. I will forever be grateful for them.
The week that we returned was hard for me.....it seemed every where I looked/went there were reminders of Mitchell and him being gone and I felt alone. I have missed my Saturday runs with my girlfriends during these days not only could I see the support, but I could feel it as well. Life around us goes on....we try to, but even 17 months later we seem at a standstill most days.
Maybe this is why I have not sat and written. It is hard to put heartache into words....it is hard to admit that 17 months later I am still struggling, still feel the pain and still wanting to ask God WHY?
But I am also still resting in His mighty hands.......hoping....knowing He will carry me through.
John and I continue to be overwhelmed by the support shown to us. In a world with so much hate and ugliness, you have showered us with love and beauty. We have some neat things happening with Team Whitaker and we look forward to sharing our new adventure with you soon.
Much love,
Tracy |
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