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    27/05/2008

    It is the little things.....

    that sneak up on you and just kind of kick you in the teeth! 
     
    • Sitting on the curb, on the first real "hot" summer evening, eating some orange sherbert.......without Mitch.
    • Watching the Big 12 tournament at the Brick.......without Mitch.
    • Spending some lazy days at the neighborhood pool......without Mitch.
    • Kicking back on the couch on a summer night watching baseball.......without Mitch.

    These last few gorgeous summer nights certainly bring my son even closer to my mind and heart than normal........but the moment that I dwell too long on missing him......I am reminded that Heaven is so far beyond my comprehension.......so far better than the gorgeous sky and warm breezes.........that I just have to shake myself, give thanks to God for the time I had with Mitch, and "pick up my cross".

    His ways are greater........and all is well.

    p.s.  Boomer Sooner!  Kick some tail in Tempe!

     

     

     

     

    25/05/2008

    Memorial Day......

    I have spent the last hour checking up on some of our other friends from the clinic.  Oh , I want so much to be truly happy for them and their success at beating the beast of cancer, but today......today when I am trying to decide which fake flowers to place on my son's grave......I am a bit bitter.  I want to scream "I'ts not fair!  It's just not fair!"  But instead, I will just quietly type those words.  I was up at the cemetary the other day, on the sign at the entrance there was another sign that read "Mowing Sat."  I kind of chuckled to myself.  It made me think of all the times I would vacuum, I would tell the kids to pick up anything they did not want swept up off their bedroom floors........and now I am gathering up the keepsakes that I do not want mowed over at my son's grave.........
     
    On a side note:  my husband and I do communicate and read one another's entries our "never let go songs" are not the same ones........
     
    Just returned from the cemetary...I chose blue and white flowers...pink just didn't seem to be fitting.  It was a busy place today,  I sat and people watched.....I was the only one without grey hair or a cane........something so unnatrual about losing a child. 
     
    A lady I had never met before introduced herself to me a while back, we had mutual friends and she had been following our story.  She was a third time survivor of lymphoma, she had relapsed around the same time as Mitchell.  She said when her cancer came back she prayed that God would take her and spare Mitchell....... she had lived her life and wanted Mitchell to be able to do the same.  Those words were the most precious words spoken to me.  She didn't even know us or Mitchell and yet prayed such an unselfish prayer.  In my selfishness...I wish God would have answered her prayer.....But even as much as my heart aches, my heart also knows that God's plans are best.  And although I may not always like or agree with His plans, I do not want to live my life out of His plans.(OK now I am rambling...I will sign off....) 
    23/05/2008

    School's out!

    Today is the last day of school for 2007-2008.  I am amazed how fast this school year has gone, especially since some of my days seem to last forever.....Meredith is just beside herself with excitement for summer, however, today she was a little sad to think this was her last day with her teacher Mrs. Finkbeiner, who is moving to New Mexico next week.  Someone asked me the other day if I was ready for summer I said "yes and no."  I am ready for the break of routine, but I am not sure how to face summer without Mitchell.  Mitchell loved summer break(what kid doesn't).  He wasn't one to sleep in, he would get up early and play video games until he would hear the neighbor boys out and then he was off.  He loved the "lazy days" of summer.  As we have already faced many firsts, we will face the first jump in GranBobby and Grammy's pool without Mitchell, he was the star of the diving board and loved hanging out at their pool.
     
    I still find myself standing in the doorway of his room in disbelief.  Yesterday I had lunch with 2 other moms whose children had passed away in this last year.  We shared stories, a little laughter a few tears and sometimes we just shared looks that needed no words because we each knew how the other was feeling.  In a way it was refreshing....we all felt ok to cry in front of one another and just talk about things we might not discuss with other friends that have not been down the road we have.  Although I hate that we have the death of a child in common, it is nice to have it common with someone.  Another thing that we have in common is our faith and our belief that our children our with God.  I told Marlo(Anna's) mom that I could just see Mitchell celebrating Anna's birthday with her(May 29th).  Sitting in a tiny chair with his knees up to his chin, enjoying a tea party with her and his buddy Colby.  I had shared how I had told one friend that I will feel bad if when I get to heaven I run right past Jesus to find Mitchell, "Jesus, I will be right back...."  My friend said she thought Jesus would be standing right there with Mitchell waiting for me.  I think she is probably right....that's just how Jesus' heart is, so loving, kind and understanding.
     
    Although I do not know what summer holds, I do know who holds each day in His hands, just as he has helped through this school year, He will help us through this summer.
     
    Happy Summer!
    Tracy
     
     
    21/05/2008

    ........sigh......

    There are those things in life that you HAVE to do, things you NEED to do and things you WANT to do.  It seems lately that I have many things I NEED to do and WANT to do, but know they will be HARD to do(are you still following me?).  Yesterday I attended the going away party for Mitchell's, this year's teacher, Mrs. Alexander, who is also the wife of John and I's Sunday School teacher, David Alexander, whom we have had the honor of hearing God's word from, for the last 10 years.  They are dear friends and will be greatly missed, but we know God has great plans for them.  Anyway,  I wanted to go and felt I needed to go, but knew it would be hard to go(remember field trip day?).  I haven't ventured up to his classroom this year for obvious reasons.  The moms of the class did a wonderful job, I watched all of the kids and how they responded to Mrs. Alexander and to one another, I could tell it was a close group and that they had a special bond and know Mitchell would have fit in perfect.  I looked at all the kids, mostly the boys, and how they had grown since the beginning of the school year....I could not help but wonder how big Mitchell would be, what size of clothes he would be wearing, how long his hair would be or how many big teeth he would have.  I became overwhelmed and had to leave.  The other moms and Mrs. "A" were all so sweet and so sensitive to my feelings as always and I appreciated that, I was glad that I had gone.
     
    On the way home I heard a song(music has been such a ministry to me)as always, I do not know the name or the artist.....but these were the words that rang loud into my ears and heart. 
    "Joy or pain, sun or rain, you are the same, you never let go, you never let go......."
    No matter what changes or challenges life brings, good or bad days OUR God NEVER changes and He NEVER lets go!  I whispered a quick prayer while driving, after hearing that song.  "Lord please hold me a little tighter today....."
    18/05/2008

    Welcoming a new week...

    I don't know about you, but I am sure looking forward to a new week.  I will say this past week  wasn't  horrible..... just very emotional and exhausting.
    Mitchell's birthday was......well, it was not as bad as I had anticipated it.  It is hard to explain, my fear was people would forget.....not so.  I woke up a little early Thursday morning with Mitch on my mind as usual, I wanted so much to go into his room and smother him with 11 birthday kisses...instead I just sat in his room smelling his things(no, they no longer smell like him...).  I cried for a bit and then started my day.  When I opened my front blinds, there sitting on our front porch was an XL birthday card for Mitchell signed by his 4th grade classmates and friends...they remembered.  Our day was full of phone calls, emails, flowers, cookies and cards.  It was a beautiful day of rememberence of Mitchell.  One card had this verse in it:
    "The Lord bless you and keep you.  The Lord make his face to shin upon you, and be gracious to you."
    Numbers 6:24-25
     
    I read it early on in the day, for some reason it gave me a sense of peace.  Later that night I thought about the verse again, I was reminded of how God has blessed us with the best family and friends and how through them He shone His face and grace upon us all day long. 
     
    Thank you  to each one of you who helped us celebrate "Be like Mitch Day."   Thank you for remembering Mitchell and us and making it a very special day. 
     
    We love you!
    Team Whitaker
     
     
     
     
     

    Chick Fil A - Monday, May 19th

    Next Event
     
    May Chick Fil A Day
     
    Monday, May 19th - all day - NW Expressway location. 
     
    Let's blow out our final event!
    14/05/2008

    May 15th - Happy Birthday, Mitchell!!

    “Be Like Mitch Day”

    Thursday, May 15th, 2008

    Help us celebrate mitchell’s birthday in a special way this year.  Grab a friend and do one or more of the following:

       Wear blue, swim, ride a skateboard or bike; play baseball, football or basketball.; Watch America’s Funniest Videos, play a video game (just about any will do), Eat Sonic popcorn chicken or a Mc Donald’s plain hamburger, enjoy any type of sour candy, McDonald’s M&M McFlurry or Braum’s well done fries;  Eat at San Marcos; Befriend someone new and hang out with your family.

    In memory of Mitchell Graham Whitaker

    Go mitch go!

     

    ******************

    Happy Birthday Mitchell

    15 May 2008

    (courtesy of GranBobby)

     

    On this special day, when we celebrate your birth,

    You’re now home in Heaven; we’re still here on Earth.

     

    My, how our lives have changed, in the span of one short year.

    Forgive us if we pause at times to wipe away a tear.

     

    Although we won’t hear your voice, or see your smiling face;

    We cling to precious memories that Time cannot erase.

     

    We see you in the batter’s box, swinging for a hit.

    We see you on the pitcher’s mound, the ball within your mitt.

     

    We see you diving for the catch that gave your team the win.

    We see you in your Yankees’ cap with that ever-present grin.

     

    We see you after a base path collision, a dirty bruise upon your cheek.

    We see you at the post-game “wrap” as Dad and Coach Hawes speak.

     

    We see you on the diving board as you do a forward flip.

    We see you on the “monkey bars” as you strive to keep your grip.

     

    We see you on the tee box as you launch a long, straight drive.

    We see you as you sink a putt and give a big “high five.”

     

    We see you chase after your ball and get hit by an errant shot.

    We see you cry a little bit but play on despite the knot.

     

    We see you in the wheelbarrow, laughing at your first wild ride.

    We see you scrambling up and down the Little Tykes red slide.

     

    We see you at The Ballpark as you watch the Rangers play.

    We see you cuddling baby Max on his first Memorial Day.

     

    We see you with Sean Kelley, Hugo The Hornet, and Chris Paul.

    We see you standing next to Shaq, thinking “Wow, that guy IS TALL!”

     

    We see you at morning “Roundup”, honored by “Sir Knight.”

    We see you at Geography Bowl, answering the questions right.

     

    We see you playing “hoops” in the league at BFC.

    We see you dribble, fake, and score, and run the court with glee.

     

    We see you at the OU camp as you field and ‘Let It Fly.”

    We see you sprinting at full speed to catch those balls so high.

     

    We see you at the OU Clinic with Coaches Stoops and Golloway.

    We see you at the table as you bow your head and pray.

     

    We see you posing at “Blue Tee”, fishing vest and walking stick.

    We see you wield your Snoopy rod and show us casting tricks.

     

    We see you playing your PSP with those lightning-quick fingers.

    We see you roll with laughter at the mention of “we-B-slinger.”

     

    We see you on July 4th, leading the “Grandkids Parade.”

    We see you lying in the hammock, resting in the shade.

     

    We see you and Miss Meredith at the old house on Sue Lane.

    We see you hunting Easter eggs or gazing at the rain.

     

    We see you in your “Tigger suit” and “Spiderman” PJs.

    We see you as the “Incredible Hulk”, oh yes, those were the days.

     

    We see you with Meredith, Gracy, and Davis, frolicking in the pool.

    We see you chasing “Mac Dog” after coming home from school.

     

    We see you watch the “Weather Channel”, alert for any warnings.

    We see you coming down the hall for breakfast in the mornings.

     

    Yes, we see you in so many ways, our love for you still glows.

    And, come what may, we’ll always say, “Forever, Go Mitch Go.”

     

    13/05/2008

    Long week......

    It's only Tuesday and I am wondering if I will have any tears left by the end of the week..........I came across this yesterday....fitting for our week.
     
     
    Come to ME
     
    When you are hurting, come to Me and I will bind your wounds.
    When your need to be assured, come to Me and I will give you My embrace.
    When you can no longer go on, come to Me and I will carry you. 
    When you need comfort, come to Me and I will wipe your tears.
    When you are uncertain of My love, come to Me and I will speak my heart to you.
    Always remember that in your need you are coming to the ONE who came for you.
    by Roy Lessin
     
    Today I had to run something up to the school...not knowing it was 4th grade fieldtrip day.  I have gone on all but one of Mitchell's fieldtrips with him since he started school.  I watched his classmates and buddies load the bus, I watched their moms, my friends, load the coolers into their cars...all without Mitch and me.  I got in my car a wept.
     
    My mom sent me this picture of the tree.  There is a Mitchell story that goes with it.  My Dad had planted several trees one spring before we had gone up for a visit.  Mitchell would always bring his baseball stuff and his golf clubs to keep he and Papa entertained.  This poor tree took a good lickin' with Mitchell and his golf clubs......we were afraid it was not going to make it.  This is the tree this spring.  Quite appropriate I think.......it's most beautiful bloom yet.!
     
    As I think back to the fieldtrip and the tree....I am reminded that this spring Mitchell is in FULL bloom and on the BEST fieldtrip ever! I can't wait to join him on that one.
     
    Keep those prayers coming!
     
     
     
     
     
    11/05/2008

    Mitchells birthday week, Mothers Day, & big Thank u's!

    Family, friends, and fans of Team Whitaker:
     
    In any other year, this would be a very exciting week in the Whitaker household.  Mitchell would be 11 on Thursday.  Lucky for him, he doesn't have to celebrate any more birthdays..........but that pretty much sucks for the rest of us.  You know this is a very different time of year for all of us.  I have described it to Tracy as "beautiful weather and hollow days"....which pretty much sums it up.  This was prime Mitchell time - on the field, in the classroom with end of year awards, fieldtrips, eating ice cream on our curb during the evening, and just laughing and being outside.  Good stuff.........gone stuff.......or maybe just "not the same" stuff since Meredith and I do the same thing.   
     
    As I continue to coach Mitchell's team baseball team, there are moments when it is very bittersweet.  My favorite player is always missing.  However, many of these boys......as I have told them........are the closest thing to sons that I am gonna have until eternity.  I love seeing them improve and begin to treat the game with respect.  We are having success but I definitely miss seeing Mitchell on the mound making hitters look silly, making a great play at 2nd, or stroking the ball at the plate.
     
    Mothers Day
     
    You know mom's are pretty special.  It takes a special blend of love, patience, strength, & grace to take off the rough edges of husbands/fathers..........
     
    Today had some challenges for sweet Tracy.  Our church service was great but it was also Graduation Sunday for our congregations seniors.  Sitting and looking at all those bright faces/great smiles on the senior pics........reading their bios about their plans.......was a little difficult for both of us.  (On a side note:  My senior pic is off the chain.  I actually had hair at during my lifetime and in 87 - it was big.  I was also rocking the "tootsie - preppy" glasses and a pencil tie.  Money, baby.)
     
    When I start down the path of being upset about missing Mitch grow up......the only place it takes me is this: 
    As a parent, we are called to be good stewards of the lives of our kids while they are under our charge.  The ultimate goal is to watch that child grow in the Lord and become a person of Godly influence in this world.  Mission accomplished, Mitchell.  I just wish HIS plan for you would have let you hang around here alot longer.  Nevertheless, HIS good, pleasing and perfect will trumps my "glum" (this was a new word that Meredith has decided to use in our house) days.  Ultimately, it is all good.
     
    Mothers - thanks for all you do.  Cherish every moment with your kids.  Fathers/Hubbys - don't give your wives any crap.........or maybe I should say, any more crap than usual.  haha
     
    Big Thank You's
     
    Thanks so much for your support of Team Whitaker's - Team in Training efforts.  Mitchell would be so proud of our results.  Tracy and Tracey are kicking butt in training.  They ran 20 miles on Saturday for their last/longest run prior to the event in June.  Here is a little rundown......pat yourselves on the back! 
     
    • Mike Whitaker - Team in Training Texas (Cap City Triathlon - Austin - May 2008)  $4500
    • Tracey Crooks - Team in Training OK (San Diego - June 2008)  $3500 +
    • Team Whitaker - Team in Training OK ( San Diego - June 2008)  $14750
    Your generosity never ceases to amaze us.  Tracy will also run in the PF Changs 1/2 Marathon in Phoenix - January 2009.  We love you all.
     
    Next Event
     
    May Chick Fil A Day 
    Monday, May 19th - all day - NW Expressway location.  Let's blow out our final event!
     
    On a "h igher"note:
     
    This song, You never let go - Matt Redman, has just been rocking my face off and lifting my spirit everytime I hear it.  I can tell you right now that NOBODY does this song better than Kyle Owen and the BFC Praise Posse during our "Rock n Roll Jesus" (nickname by me - patent pending) second service.  I cry everytime I hear it because this song is sooo my life and the Father has shown himself true to me time and time again.  I am the bald guy crying with a fist raised when this is played.
     
    Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
    Your perfect love is casting out fear
    And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
    I won't turn back
    I know You are near

    And I will fear no evil
    For my God is with me

    > And if my God is with me
    Whom then shall I fear?
    Whom then shall I fear?

    Chorus:
    Oh no, You never let go
    Through the calm and through the storm
    Oh no, You never let go
    In every high and every low
    Oh no, You never let go
    Lord, You never let go of me

    And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
    A glorious light beyond all compare
    And there will be an end to these troubles
    But until that day comes
    We'll live to know You here on the earth

    Chorus:
    Oh no, You never let go
    Through the calm and through the storm
    Oh no, You never let go
    In every high and every low
    Oh no, You never let go
    Lord, You never let go of me


    Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
    And there will be an end to these troubles
    But until that day comes
    Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
     
    Chorus:
    Oh no, You never let go
    Through the calm and through the storm
    Oh no, You never let go
    In every high and every low
    Oh no, You never let go
    Lord, You never let go of me

     

    06/05/2008

    Mother's Day

    As I settle into this week, my thoughts are on Mother's Day.  I remember my first mother's day...well actually what would have been my first one, Mitchell decided to be 12 days late, so I had to wait til the next year.  I never knew my heart could be tugged like that, motherhood brought me a joy I still cannot explain.  This year I will experience my first mother's day without my first born.....my heart is tugged in a new way now.  My heart is overwhelmed with such sadness from my loss that I fear I will have a hard time showing the joy that still remains with having Meredith.
     
    I wanted to share a special "Mom moment" for me with Mitchell and actually my last.  I will warn you....it is a tear jerker, but so so precious.  It was late Tues. afternoon(sept. 25th)Mitchell had been unresponsive most of the day, a few of my girlfriends had come in to relieve me of rubbing his sweet feet.  I bent down to kiss Mitchell's cheek and whispered "Mitchell, it's mommy, I love you."  My sweet boy, who had not responed to anything all day, turned his head to my voice. I thank the Lord for that moment, for that reminder of the bond between a mother and her child, for that one last connection between me and my Mitchell.
     
    Moms, enjoy and embrace EVERY moment with your children.......Happy Mother's Day!
    02/05/2008

    A few/several thoughts.......

    "It's not that I've already reached the goal or have already completed the course.  But I run to win that which Jesus Christ has already won for me.  Brothers and sister, I can't consider myself a winner yet.  This is what I do:  I don't look back, I lengthen my stride, and I run straight toward the goal to win the prize that God's heavenly call offers in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:12-14)
     
    Believe it or not this was the scripture for my devotional on Saturday before the race on Sunday.  It made me smile at God.  I am continually in awe of God's mighty hand in my life and how He shows me each day His love for me.
     
    When we woke up on Sunday it was not raining, but just as we headed out of the hotel it began to rain the north wind greeted us with a "Good Morning" as well.  We donned our trash bags and headed out for our 1 mile walk to the starting line.  As I have shared with you before, I am a fair weather running girl, so I was not too overly excited.  We hudled in the middle of the starting line in hopes to block the wind and waited.  Before the race began they had 168 seconds of silence in memory of those lives loss in the Murrah bldg. bombing.  I was amazed how quiet it actually got considering the 6000 plus people.  I thought to myself that there were people out there, maybe even someone standing right next to me, that knew my pain of losing a child, the butterflies in my stomache seemed to lessen at that moment.  And then it was time to run.  The run itself was fine, I did not have any issues and before we knew(actually 2hrs and 27min. later)we had crossed the finish line.  Our trainers had told us that crossing the finish line was the best feeling and it was.  I was so proud of my physical accomplishment but even more proud that we had raised money for a great cause.  Hopefully now we are closer to finding a cure!  To those of you that prayed for me, thank you, I could feel God's presence with me with each step.
     
    As April has come to an end, I have been hesistant to turn my calendar to May because I know right there on the 15th in bold writing is "Mitch's 11th b-day."  I have planned a birthday party for Mitchell for 10 years, I can't imagine not doing it yet at the same time how do you do it.....?  We wanted his headstone to be finished and placed by his birthday.  I am not sure why really...maybe as a gift to him...or closure for us....?  It made it very final for me to see his face, his birthdate and DEATH date engraved on the marker and placed on the soil that my tears have been watering for these last several months.  I wanted to see it, I didn't want to see it.  I loved it and hated it all at once. 
     
    Yesterday was May 1st--"May Day."  I remember as a little girl we would fill styrofoam cups with popcorn and candy and my mom would drive me to my friends house and we would deliver our "May Day" baskets. That was the one time it was okay for me to ring the doorbell and run.  Well, yesterday I had a little May day visitor(thank you to whoever your are), they left a beautiful daisy on my door knob with this saying:
     
    "The world's favorite season is the spring.  All things seem possible in May."  by Edwin Way Teale
     
    At first I thought...Hmmmm this person has no idea what the month of May brings me.....But later that night the scripute for my devotional was this:
     
    "Hammer your plow blades into swords and your pruning shears into spears.  Weaklings should say that they are warriors.  The Lord will roar from Zion, and his voice will thunder from Jerusalem.  The sky and the earth will shake.  The Lord will be a refuge for his people.  He will be a stronghold for the people of Israel." (Joel 3:10,16)
     
    I got to thinking about these last 2 weeks.  I am able to talk about Mitchell more without crying.  I am able to leave the door open on his room and walk pass it and smile instead of feel like I am going to throw up.  I am able to put my feet on the floor a little easier these days.  What I am saying is that the Lord is increasing my strength and building my confidence,  allowing me to feel like I CAN......my Mitchell size hole still remains...I do not think it will EVER be filled until the day I see him in heaven.  And I know there will be days that I feel weak and overwhelmed, but just as GOd is my strength, He is also my refuge and in Him will I hide and refuel.......(thankfully He does not charge $3.45 a gallon.....)
     
    I have some things "brewing" for Mitchell's birthday and I will share those later.  We continue to covet your prayers and be grateful for your friendships.
     
    Much Love,
    Tracy