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30/06/2008 Gardening and moreI love flowers....I love to plant and water them and watch them grow. However, what I do not like are the weeds! You no sooner pull a batch and here comes another batch. Today it was time, past time infact, to pull the weeds. I donned my gloves and off I went, however, not all of the weeds wanted to come out so easily, they were being quite stubborn. I headed back into the garage and out I came with the "Claw!" Yes, just as seen on TV about 8 years ago......Good-bye stubborn weeds! As I was finishing up I got to thinking how my life is a little like this flower bed. Some days I can bloom the most beautiful flowers while other days those weeds take over.......
I called a friend today and her 12 year old son answered the phone, so polite and kind, a true gentleman as he told me that she was not home but he would let her know I called. I am still not quite sure what hit me, but after I hung up I sat and cried for about 30 minutes......Oh, if I could just hear Mitchell's voice.....if only for a second. He had his phone manners down and was always so polite, he just often forgot to relay the messages........
Enter the weeds......."Why Mitchell!" "Why our family!" The weeds of bitter and anger were back.....not that I wish losing a child on anyone else...I just wished it hadn't happend to us. Today God had to reach for the "claw" to dig out those stubborn weeds of mine.
I received this devotional in the mail today from my Dad......quite fitting I thought...God knew what kind of a day I was going to have.....
"Behold, I show you a mystery....thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."
(1 Cor. 15:51,57)
Last summer a dear friend of mine drowned while vacationing at the beach with his family. This week I met his young widow and held her in my arms while trying to console the grief. Amid the sobs she said to me, " A million times I have asked God, 'Why?' but it remains a mystery!"
I think I knew it all along, but I heard it again! There are insoluble problems in connection with our understanding of God. We try to have all mysteries dwarfed to the measure of our own wisdom. When we fail in the endeavor, doubt begins to argue against God to deny His loving providence.
Sometimes our condolence is lost in the cry of the broken heart, and the mystery veils God's purpose. But first of all and last of all we must know that God does right, or He is not God. We must not look at the incomplete pieces as a basis for judging the wisdom and righteousness of the Almighty.
When I think of God, who is "glorious in power..doing wonders"(Exod. 15:6,11), prayer is clothed in a broader meaning, and sin takes on a deadlier blackness. But out of the wilderness of sorrow He makes a path to the city where every tear shall be wiped away.
When language fails and sentences are broken by choking sobs and life loses its meaning in mystery, it just might be that God is drawing us closer to an alter wher He intends to meet us for greater meaning.
Still a far greater mystery! Love says, "Come unto me.......I will give you rest." (Matt. 11:28); and in accepting this invitation, we can find God's greatest answer.
Someday I will know the answers to my "Whys," until then, in my misunderstandings, I will count on Christ to hold me steady. Thanks Dad!
PS Take a look at the picture....Meredith drew this in Church on Sunday. She told me it was a picture of her future. Her, husband, and 2 girls all snugged in their beds and sweet Mitch up in the sky....still watching over her. I love that she knows he loved her and he will always be a part of her life. That picture is a keeper!
26/06/2008 The return of the Elephant........The other night we had dinner with 3 other couples that had lost their children to cancer, for one family it has been nearly 5 years the obvious question was asked them......."Does IT get better?" The dad gave us this answer "The pain is still as intense, but the days you feel it are fewer and farther in between." I thought that was the best answer I had heard regarding that question....it makes sense.
I just finished reading John's entry.....it has been a rough week for us both......some weeks we do not even need to verbalize it to one another...we just know. I have felt "sick" this week....tired, felt unable to take a deep breath, my heart has been heavy.......hence the return of that elephant putting his foot on my chest. The other day I over heard a man talking about his granddaughter....I could see pure joy in his face as he said "She'll be 9 months on Thursday, the 26th." He was rejoicing in a new baby taking her first breath as we were watching our son take his last.......
My heart hurts just as bad today as it did 9 months ago. However, I do not feel this pain everyday and I believe that this is the peace that God has promised me as I continue to seek my refuge in Him.
We continue to be thankful for your kind words and your support. God has blessed us greatly through each of you. Thank you! 25/06/2008 9 months ago.....It is hard to believe that nearly 9 months have come/gone since Mitch passed away. This has been a difficult week for me.........and I can't really put my finger on it other than the consistent, glaring realization that I have not only lost my dear son but my best friend as well. My head knows that he is doing fine.......but my heart hurts. Regardless of how I feel, I know that all is well in HIS hands.........it always has been and always shall be..........Alpha & Omega........amen. ~jwhit
Rewind........from 9/26/07
Dear Team Whitaker.......
I address this a little differently today since each of you is a vital part of our team. Your words of encouragement, prayers, and support are inspiring and humbling. Team Whitaker is blessed indeed. You.........the Body.........are doing the Kingdom proud. We love you all.
Better pull up a chair............today's entry may take awhile........LOL
How is Mitch?
Well, Mitch isn't here........but isn't in Heaven yet either........I think. His body is still here but sweet Mitchell is visiting with the Lord right now. He just looks like an angel sleeping in our room.....albeit an angel with a slight rasp in his throat :).........and he just continues to hang here for a bit. He isn't in the least bit of pain and is totally at peace. I must say that our hearts continue to groan and anguish over our precious son......God has certainly been merciful and having him with us in this state, while difficult, is so much better than the pain that he was enduring even 2 days ago. We have made, as Tracy so eloquently alluded to yesterday, many decisions for Mitchell throughout his life. At this point, as his physical presence rests on every little rise and fall of the chest...........we are going to let him "leave" us on his terms. I spend a whole life time teaching him how to fight, finish what he starts, never quit, and go full speed.........so I will let him decide when it is time to "lay his armor down".
Mitchell is a very linear......logical.....slightly OC......bright and inquisitive boy. He just does not forget things.......at times to the amazement of his mother and I.......and REQUIRES some type of schedule in order the his world to rotate on axis correctly! In light of the boy that I know he is.........and the fact the God made him that way..........I just have to laugh as I picture the exchange that has been going since about 1am yesterday morning:
Mitch: Hi......God is that you? My dad told me "run to the light" while I was in the hospital and that you would be waiting.
God: Hey Mitch.......how are you my son? It is great to see you......I have a place prepared for you up here.......you are gonna love it"
Mitch: Cool.........my dad told me it would be great. Hey, I have a few questions that I would like answered first........is that Ok?
God: Fire away........I got eternity, bro......so I will answer them all until you are comfy.
Mitch: What is eternity? How does the schedule work.......you know just so I know what is up.........and when we finish that one I would like to know how the weather works up here and on Earth.........what is the temperature up here anyway.......are you in the middle of an upper level low pressure system.........do you get the weather channel up here..........is there cable........can i have video games...........is that really warm feeling that i have inside me the love that i have in my heart for you now being set free in your presence..........where is my grandpa perman........i would like to know where the baseball fields are..........do we get uniforms...........you know that my dad sez there is no place in baseball for white cleats --- so you might want to change up the angels "look" over there........ok, so if eternity means that we never run out of time --- how does that work with scheduling stuff...........why did i have to come up here so soon and what were you thinking when you picked me.........my dad said that you love me more than he ever could - tell me about that........where is jesus at..........when are mom, dad, & merideth getting here? I have got some more.......but those were on the top of my mind.
God: Ok.........let me explain My love and eternity.........because you will love the answer........hey Mitch........no need to take notes, pardna........no there isn't a test up here because you already passed it down there!
Folks - you might chuckle at that example........but I know that is happening as we speak........in very precious tender moments between my son and his Heavenly Father........as his earthly father cries with a smile. In short, Mitchell is well..........for now and eternity.
How are we?
Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I WILL strengthen you. I WILL help you. I WILL uphold you with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:10
We hurt more than words can express.........but we are certainly in the midst of a peace that passes understanding. I won't write for Tracy since she can do that herself. As a father, it is very difficult to let go of all the dreams, hopes, and days that you planned on sharing with him in this life. He and I have a relationship that is very deep. Many of the trials Mitchell faced during his time here forced him to grow up pretty quick.........but that also allowed the two of us to bond in a very special way. There is a Mitchell sized hole in me that will take awhile to fill.......but God's Grace is sufficient........and He understands my pain..........and will heal it. I had many dreams for my son........the foremost among those is that he would grow become a Godly man of influence. And though it hurts to let the others dreams go.........I am so proud that he got the most important thing right. Well done, my son. I love you.
How are you?
So many of you dear friends have sent notes, made phone calls, stopped by to visit to express your love, care, and concern for us...........that I just wanted to take a moment to check on you.
Team Whitaker is well. God is good.
Question for you all: Why does it take something like this........that shocks us to our core and makes us ache and yearn.......for us to truly evaluate our life and how we spend our time!?! Do not let the passing of this boy shake you..........God has a plan. A perfect plan that is beyond our understanding. Mitchell's life is a testament to Christ and should affirm your Faith........or shake you to question why you don't have a daily walk with Him. This life only makes sense in the presence of the Almighty and the framework which he provides. Your circumstances can change on a heartbeat.......as our story illustrates........but God does not change. He is always good. He is always love. He is always just. He is always there.
The kindness that you have shown to us........do that for others........when times are good and when the chips are down. That is what being Salt and Light is all about. This life is nothing more than a set of opportunities that we are provided in order to influence others for good......or bad. The true measure of your life is rooted in the relationship that you have with Christ..........and how you let that (vertical) relationship shine among (horizontally) those you come in contact with on a daily basis.
Maybe it is time that we all ask ourselves: How ya livin'?
We love you all....john
gomitchgo 20/06/2008 Oh yeah......forgot to mention.....that I have gone back to work for Medtronic PhysioControl as a sales consultant in the Oklahoma/NW ARK/N Texas territory effective June 9th. My good friend, and loving counterpart, Liz Roberts, has been on my rear end to post this information for all the world to see. Here you go, Liz, love ya and hope you are happy. ~jwhit 16/06/2008 Eating my words.......Some days my grief is over bearing and I am blinded by it, unable to see the blessings that God continues to give me. In my last post I shared how I wasn't sure if I would ever experience true joy here on earth again. I think sometimes it may not be grief as much as it is guilt that I allow to rob me of the joy, that God wants me to experience here on earth. If I am having a good time and enjoying myself, suddenly I will feel bad that I am feeling happy and my son is dead.......it is hard to explain....even harder to experience........Anyway, God showed me almost that very next day that I will still experience joy here on earth, after all, I do still have Meredith.
It was Tuesday evening and she was getting ready for gymnastics(she was invited to be on the "pre-team" at our gym, which means they think she has the potential to be a good gymnast, which she does, we will now see if she has the discipline...)and she needed to make a "pit stop" before we headed out. Meredith is into reading while she does her business. As we were heading out the door, she was in front of me in her little leotard and there "tattoed" on the back of her legs was the biggest and brightest toilet seat ring ever...I laughed til I thought I might cry....the first since Mitchell's passing. She wanted to know what I was laughing at, so I shared with her. She looked like a puppy chasing it's tail trying to view the ring for herself. She said "I hope it is gone before I get to class." I assured her it would be......however, we only live 1/2 a mile away.....it wasn't gone by the time we got there and neither was the smile from my face....or my heart.
I had to stop right then and there to ask for forgivness from God for thinking that He would not continue to fulfill His promises to ME STILL here on earth.
This morning on my way to VBS...the first without Mitchell... there was a rainbow in the direction of Mitchell's gravesite....God continues to amaze me and cover me with his love.
PS John still brings me joy too......most days......
11/06/2008 A funny thing happened in Del Mar.......Hey gang,
Vacation was awesome. Dan, Nancy, & Bayley Overland..........thanks a ton for making this trip truly special as we spent a great week in San Diego. There were so many highlights about this trip and I have to admit that I have fallen head over heels in love with the area from Solana Beach down to San Diego.......quite simply, it rocks. We all had a great time.........it was as perfect a trip can be without Mitchell..........which is exactly as good as we can hope for during the rest of our days on this Earth. (sigh)
Now then.......let me tell you about a funny thing that happened in Del Mar
A week ago.......Bayley hooked us up with some friends of hers from Fulcrum Surf. www.fulcrumsurf.com Meredith and I were going to take surf lesson up in Del Mar just a few blocks from Bay's shop. www.shopbayley.com The weather was perfect but the surf was as big as we had seen during our week there.........no worries on my end since I was attached to something that floats. I was pretty quiet the entire morning leading up to our lesson.........something was just unsettled w/in me and I couldn't put my finger on the source.......although it should have been obvious. As we sat on the beach waiting for our instructors to show up, it dawned on me (duh) that surfing was something that Mitchell and I had always talked about learning to do. I have always wanted to surf.........however, geography has somewhat limited this pursuit! Mitchell and I truly became "hooked"........in a "we are gonna go do that someday" kinda way after watching Riding Giants and Step into Liquid (highly recommend). In my mind, much like snowboarding, I pictured the two of us charging for the rest of our lives and loving the time we would spend together. Obviously, those plans are among the many that I have had to release my grip on since his re-diagnosis and passing last fall.
Anyhoo.........Meredith and I "charged" out with our awesome instructors, both had immediate success, and took our lumps as well. I took to it very well and my dudes were just kind of blown away by the fact that I was from Oklahoma and the "dude.....you're old" factor...........but was charging hard on the "inside", or smaller set of waves, in our surfbreak. After 3 runs, they decided that I was ready to get to the big stuff..........and paddle out the "outside".........way farther out from shore and catch some real waves (4 1/2 to 6 ft). I got pounded the further out from shore that we went........the paddling out and "ducking" was the problem.......not the surfing! Anyway, it was a blast......I am hooked.......and Tracy is so excited that I have a new hobby. If anyone is interested in going to a surf camp in Costa Rica, let me know.........it is gonna happen on this end w/in a year. Guaranteed.
Suffice it to say, I had a blast..........but as I sat down on the beach to recover.........it was still more than a little hollow. This was supposed to be "our thing".......and I was never gonna have anymore "our things" with Mitch. Watching the dads chase their sons up and down the beach to laughing with my young 20sumthin new surf buddies.........all were things that I will never have in Mitch's company. I longed to be able to watch him at my surf bros age........what would he look like, how would he carry himself, etc. Ugh. I listened as my young friends talked about how good the surf looked today and their wishes to blow off work and rip the rest of the day. "Ah to be young".......in my case..........and "ah to be older" in Mitchell's.........
About 630pm that evening, I walked down 7th street in Del Mar to the point where it dead ends at the cliffs/traintracks/beach (google earth - satellite view - scroll in)...........and looked out over the Pacific. The weather had warmed to about 79 with a slight breeze off the water. It was one of those sun filled late evenings in which every sense is heightened.........from the early evening sun baking your skin, to the smells of the breeze off the water, trees, and flowers..........to all the colors and sounds that just seemed explode in the sight/sound that HDTV and Bose are trying, in vain, to replicate. It was truly.........a perfect evening -- one of those fleeting moments in life that you just want to soak up and drink in......except that the glass feels half empty w/out Mitch.
I looked North up the shore all the way to the 15th street surf break near Powerhouse Park..........and just smiled. Apparently, Justin and Dev weren't the only ones who thought the surf was good. Over the course of the next 40 minutes, I watched as more and more locals headed for the water.........all up and down the coast........I lost count at 85 folks in the water as I just enjoyed the show and pictured the day that I could ride as well as what we being played out in front of me. I had a smile on my face as a took in the entire scene......but in that moment.........well, I don't know if I have missed Mitchell any worse since he passed away.........in what seems to be a lifetime ago. I just kind of told myself that "this just sucks that my kid will never get to sit and watch this with me".
With a mental "sigh", I looked South down the coast/trail/train tracks that lead to Torrey Pines State Beach...........and I see a young dude.........good lookin kid.......dirty blond curly hair styled in a very SoCal surf fro.........with a great pair of black loc sunglasses on.......walking North up the path where I stood. Crap, this kid could BE me 20 years ago!
 I looked back to the ocean for a minute or so........and then looked back toward the path to acknowledge the young dude as he passed by my spot. He smiled and gave me a very Whitaker-esque back head tilt along with the obligatory "sup, bro"..........I gave him the same head tilt back with a "whassup, man". This is the way of "the dude". Standard greeting = sup = hello. I turned my head North as he passed by to size him up.........as I did so the largest smile spread over my face nearly as fast as the warm peace that now filled my entire body. I could see this dude....this "young me"...... was very clearly sporting a "Mitch's Surf Shop" t-shirt. NICE.That isn't coincidence, folks..........that is God putting his arm around me when I needed it.
In that moment, God just let me know that know matter how perfect a scene that I thought Mitchell was missing with me...............he wasn't missing anything at all. Furthermore, he was in better company than I could provide with better scenery than I could imagine. I gotta tell you......it took the "hollow" out of a great day........and made a great trip complete.
The next day we looked up Mitch's Surf Shop and picked up shirts of our own. Come to find out that this place is an institution in the area and has been in business in La Jolla and Solana Beach since 1967. If you want to rock one of these shirts, you can order them online here: http://www.mitchssurfshop.com/
Here are some pics of this little story (hover the cursor for captions)........and many more updated in the photo album section.
Rock on - Praise God!
08/06/2008 Marathon and more.......Well, it's true, I did it! I really ran 26.2 miles and completed my first marathon. I was crazy nervous up until the run, just worried that I might not be able to do it or that my body might just decide to stop at mile 22. But to be quite honest none of the above happened. In fact, I felt great for most of the race. Oh believe me, I was glad to be done, but amazingly I did not feel like I could'nt take one more step when I was finished....I did'nt want to, but could of if I had to. God was truly with me all the way. The scenery was breathtaking and the weather was just right. I thought of Mitchell often and his "never quit fighting" spirit and no matter what I was'nt stopping until I crossed the finish line. When I crossed the finish line I didn't know if I should laugh or cry.....I kind of did both, but due to the amount of runners, you really did'nt have time to bask in your accomplishment at the finish line, you were immediately shuffled on to the next thing. Later, as I was soaking in my ice bath reflecting on it all, I was proud of myself, it was a great physical accomplishment, but I was even more proud of what we as a team, Team in Training, had accomplished. We raised 12.4 million dollars for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and that was just for this event! Proud to give other families more time with their children, proud to be closer to meeting our number one goal......finding a cure.
As I soaked I could feel the pain, but my worse pain was'nt my feet or knees or hips, but my heart. I wished the ice bath could ease the pain of my broken heart.......but knew it would not. Every time i peered into the ocean the color reminded me of Mitchell's eyes, or of the "Sea of Blue" the night of the Light the Night walk. Our vacation was close to great.....almost perfect, but missing one important piece(person)of our completed puzzle, a star player on our Team.......our Mitchell. As we flew home, I was ready to come home, but it is still hard to come home.....back to the reality of the unwelcomed stillness thay lies behind the doors, that empty seat at the dinner table, the unstirred bed, the unused scooter and baseball gear. I wonder if ever while here on earth I will experience pure joy, or great over good or perfect again. Or maybe that all awaits me in Heaven, when i meet my Heavenly Father and see my son again.....
There is something about the beauty of nature that makes you realize(but still not even grasp)just how big God is. While visiting the beautiful beach and ocean in sunny California, I was reminded of a verse that is taped to my bathroom mirror.
"I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and earth." Psalms 121:1-2
Still seeking the Maker of all creation to help me through each day..........Thank you to all of you for your prayers and support for my race and my journey of life......much love,
Tracy 02/06/2008 A marathon was rock and rolled!Hey gang....
Happy to report the Tracy and Tracey finished their 1st marathon yesterday in sunny San Diego! Whitaker finished in 5:44 and Crooks finished in 6:24 (?)!!! I am so proud of them....it is a huge accomplishment and payoff for the incredible commitment and determination that it takes to train for such an event. Meredith and I were the All Star cheering squad.....we took the trolley line and saw them at mile 6 1/2, 13 1/2, 22 1/2, and the finish line. Thanks to all of you for your support and prayers throughout this process. More details/pix to follow soon.....Rock on! |
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