I have been laying in bed awake now for the last hour and a half........it has been a while since I have been awake at this time......I use to wake up often between 2:30 and 3 am after Mitchell passed away. It's also been awhile since I have had trouble sleeping. I have been thinking about my schedule for the next few weeks...trying to plan each day and each moment to make sure things run smoothly, to make sure I am fitting everything I need to into each day and to make sure I am pleasing everyone involved in my schedule along the way. Truth is, I have been struggling with my schedule lately.......my list of "to do things" seems to get longer and longer, I have been shifting things to the next day quite often, I have found myself sitting more or at least wanting to sit more and doing less. And then I get mad at myself for not being more productive.....wondering what in the world is wrong with me! Moms do it all of the time, they work full-time jobs and come home to tend to their families and household chores and get up the next day and do it all over again. I have friends who are single moms that do it day after day....do they struggle like i am? I was tempted to ask my doctor at my "yearly" check up if these are symptoms of turning 40, maybe thats the reason for my struggles. As I lay in bed, shifting around my schedule in my head, getting all stressed out saying to myself "Tracy, what is wrong with you...people do this ALL of this time, you can do it!" I looked at the clock 2:40am.......ugh it hit me......almost 21 months ago now at this time we were awaken by the bell of Mitchell's monitor going off......we began to watch our son take his last few breaths......

The other night John and I went to go visit Mitch, I had not been in a while and we had not been together for some time. As we walked away hand in hand I began to weep....I could no longer hold it in and I feel like i can no longer hold it all together. I have been striving for sometime now to reach "normal" and I have to say I have done a pretty good job at it....we as a family have done a pretty good job at it. I have gone back to work(2 different jobs), we are involved in church and school, we are heavily involved the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society and have even started our own foundation in honor of Mitchell. All to get back to "normal".....or maybe more so to feel normal. We have done such a good job that people now just expect it from us. If you saw us and did not know our story you would never know that we lost a child to cancer, but for those who have Superman's x-ray vision you would see it clearly, right there on our hearts our Mitchell size hole still remains.

I debated on posting this.....I usually like to quote scripture and say something positive.....tonight(or actually this morning)I don't have it in me. MY REALITY is that the precious being that once grew INSIDE of me......right under my heart, who I watched grow and blossom for 10 years and 4 months is no longer here with me.......my son has DIED. And sometimes I have to say those words out loud because in my attempt to be normal I mask my reality. For us, on August 11, 2005 we stopped being "normal" when we began to fight cancer and on September 27, 2007 when we watched our son lose his battle to cancer we surpassed the chance of ever being labeled norman again.

So maybe I should cut myself a little slack now and then.......thank you for being my "sounding board." Off to bed.....my to do list begins in 1 1/2 hours........

Well, we made it through May......I did hibernate to some degree. Not so much staying in just staying "clear." I did a lot more texting and emailing instead of calling, I didn't even call my mother weekly like I normally do(sorry mom), all to avoid answering that question so often asked "How are you?" San Diego residents have a saying for May due to the many cloudy days they call it May Grey....Team Whitaker had a Grey May. However, I will say we did have some great events. Mitchell's birthday celebration at the OU baseball game was amazing! We had a great turnout and thanks to Power Roofing we donated close to $4200 more to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society in Mitch's honor. On May 22nd Mitchell's classmates promoted on to 6th grade/Jr. High. John and I attended the special ceremony. It was bitter sweet, we have watched many of these kids....Mitch's buddies....grow up for the last 6 years so we were proud of them, but I couldn't help but try to picture Mitch up there on stage with them, wondering how tall he would be, how he would be wearing his hair, what awards he would have won etc. They did a special tribute to Mitchell, it was nice for John and I to see this. I think we feel so many times that Mitchell is forgotten, but they let us know that he is still a very big part of them as well. I am so grateful that God provided the opportunity for my kids to go to Bethany Elementary......it has been a huge blessing to our lives.

So, I will admit that I was glad to see May behind us....Welcome June and summertime!

And now Meredith, I LOVE having her home with me. She is so fun and SO funny and she is SO ready to be in the 5th grade. She has even printed off the supply list for next year already, we have already purchased her "bag" not a backpack because 5th graders do not use backpacks. It makes me sad how excited she is.....if she could snap her fingers or wiggle her nose to become 16 I really think she would. Funny story, the other day she asked me how old she had to be to start wearing make-up, I told her she could not wear it before 7th grade. She then replied "because by then I will be matured and will get my puberty?" To this I said "What do you think happens when you get your puberty?" She said "My voice will get lower." :) Yes, I know, I am planning on having "the talk" this summer, but it sure made me laugh. I was reminded in that moment, after sitting and sulking for the month of May....feeling robbed of my joy with the loss of Mitchell, that we do still have laughter and joy, that God is not finished with us yet and we will continue to look to Him to guide our steps.

Praise the Lord for new months and Praise the Lord for Meredith Grace. Remember to count your blessings! Much love, Tracy