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26/07/2008 Meredith.......Meredith has grown so much.....the other morning she came in and hugged me from behind and for a SPLIT second I thought "Mitchell......." she is just about the heighth he was before he passed away. Oh, I wasn't in any way disappointed that it was her instead......just wishin' Mitch had followed in behind her......
I have been observing Meredith lately, she is something else......she is, for the most part, always happy and content. In fact, I have shared with friends how I almost feel guilty at times about how easy of a child she is. She has always just "rolled with the flow." Even when Mitchell was sick, she did not complain about how much time we with spent with him(there was that time in Kohls when she wanted this dophin squishy pillow and I had gone for something else and told her no. She threw the biggest fit I have ever seen, I mean jumping up and down crying with all eyes on us fit) or how much time she had to sit at the clinic or in the hospital...she just did it and would find something to do to entertain herself. She is very good at entertaining herself.....in fact just last night as we were out walking Mac, she was riding her bike or should I say "horse" chasing other horses. She at one point asked me to move aside to make room for her horse.......The other day I found her in her room standing on a chair with her head-piece-microphone on performing a Hannah Montanna song.......
People ask me how she is doing with Mitchell being gone...the thing is she is great, she really hasn't seemed to miss a beat. Sometimes I wish she would just shed even one tear....but at the same time I do not want her to feel what I feel. A friend of mine was helping in Meredith's Sunday school class last week and they were discussing the spirit of God. Meredith said "I have my brothers spirit with me." To her, I don't think that he as ever left, she still feels him near and knows he is just fine now. For the longest time Meredith would not go into Mitchell's room, if there was something in there she wanted she would ask me to get it for her. Yesterday, she spent 1/2 the day in there sitting in Mitchell's chair playing his XBox...maybe this is how she feels close to him.
What I have learned in observing Meredith is life must go on.......no matter how hard. John and Meredith were looking through the school yearbook the other night. John shared with me later how looking at that he saw how everyone else's life just continued on after Sept. 27, 2007......ours stopped. But I do feel it slowly starting again....even if i am just sitting in the drive way...at least I am now out of the garage. I can move forward with the spirit of Mitchell right next to me, but more importantly, the spirit of God IN me.
Oh, by the way, I did not give in and get the dolphin pillow....not then anyway......I went back the next day and got it........ 21/07/2008 I had a dream.....about you a few nights ago. Friday night to be exact. It was the first one I have had about you since you passed away. I have been kind of upset about that......because it is bad enough to not have you here with me......but to not even be able to see you in my dreams was maddening.
It was typical of most dreams......not much made sense from a logical standpoint........I lived in my old house in Choctaw (which would be quite a commute to Bethany schools)..........anyhoo...........
You were getting dropped off by Angie......she was hauling around Trenton, you, Brock, and Bryton (pretty typical) and just dropped you off at the street. You hopped out of the Tahoe and started running toward me though the front yard......under the old blackjack tree in which I spent many hours of my "wonder years" wondering what life would be like when I was older........and then, into......my arms.
You looked good and gave me my favorite "dad!" yell/greeting and tight hug on right side. Your head hit my just at my chest.........and my right arm dropped down low enough so that I could smack your booty.
I woke up smiling
but
Saturday was rough.
I was getting some stuff done around the house and had to go through a ton of pictures on the computer............tough times indeed. There is nothing profound to say today......nothing particularly uplifting........just a gnawing "missing" that ebbs and flows. I am starting to come to grips that this chapter of my life has taken a greater physical toll on me than I first anticipated......just little changes that, in my professional medical opinion :), are the result of this "weight" that never goes away.
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Tracy would tell me stories that when I was in Austin.......and away from Mitchell.........that many nights when the 3 of them would sit at the dinner table without me......he would just look sad......and just start crying with his head in his hands........." i just miss him, mom".
I feel you , son, I feel you.
You are so well right now........you are running with so many others........and time does not exist where you are right now.......you don't even know that we are seperated, nor do you care...............so run, play, laugh, love, praise..............I will be with you in the blink of YOUR eye.
This season is for me to miss..........and for me to wait..........and for me to long...........and for me to ache.............
and for me.......
to smile..........for me to walk tall........with pride.........over you.........and a life well lived.
Loving you always and missing you more.........Dad 18/07/2008 "Draw me nearer Lord....."Today when I was out running I listened to the song listed below. When you read it(or better yet, go to itunes to hear a bit of it....it is just beautiful) you will know why I quit listening to music when I was out running after Mitchell passed away. I began crying so hard I had to stop and walk for a bit. This song brought back some memories of being with Mitchell in the hospital.
It was not unusual for me to crawl up into bed with Mitchell. I would do this to watch movies, take a nap, or to comfort him when he was scared or not feeling well. I remember our first night in ICU, Mitchell was stuggling with breathing, his mask took over his entire face, he worked hard to get out the words "lay with me." At this time he was hooked up to a zillion things, tubes every where. I was afraid if I got in bed with him I would accidently disconnect something. But he needed his mom to be next to him, so I manuvered around the tubes and layed my head on his pillow right next to his with my upper body on the bed and my lower body on the floor. I layed there til he settled down and went back to sleep.
I guess what I think I think is this.......Our Heavenly Father longs to be even closer to His children....placing our whole bodies/life, not just the upper part, in His hands. He wants us to desire this closeness with Him as well. This week has been a rough one for me, as I continue to suffer the loss of Mitchell and hear all around me the stuggles of loved ones, cancer, divorce, mental illness and so on....... Should'nt it be easier for those who love and follow Christ??? He never promised a smooth journey, but has promised to be with us....to draw near to Him and allow Him to draw near to us. Allowing Him to "settle" us, giving us rest and peace. I hope the words of this song touch your heart and remind you of the strength and peace Christ gives us when we remain in Him.
"Draw Me Nearer" by Meredith Andrews
For your nearness Lord I hunger, for your nearness Lord I wait. Hold me ever closer Father, such a love I can't escape.
For your nearness I am hoping, for your nearness Lord I long. I have no need for any other, I have found where I belong. Yes, I have found where I belong.
Draw me nearer Lord, never let me go. Closer to your heart, draw me nearer Lord. Draw me nearer Lord.
In your nearness there is healing, what was broken now made whole. Restoration in it's fullness, lasting hope for all who come.
In your nearness I take shelter, where you are is where I am home. I have need for only one thing, to be here before your throne. to be here before your throne.
So, draw me nearer Lord, never let me go. Closer to your heart, draw me nearer Lord. Draw me nearer Lord, never let me go. Closer to your heart, draw me nearer Lord. Draw me nearer Lord.
And keep me here, keep me here, there's no where else I'd rather be. Keep me here, keep me here, there's no where else I'd rather be.
Draw me nearer Lord, never let me go. Closer to your heart, draw me nearer Lord. Draw me nearer Lord. Draw me nearer Lord.
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New pics coming soon! 07/07/2008 Memories......This week we headed to Enid to spend the 4th with our dear friends the Atwoods, Kuykendalls and the Eatons. Enid holds many memories for me. John and I moved up there in 1993......being a "city" girl I did not think I would ever survive. Our first place there we would wake up with cows just feet away from our back door, we were sure to shut the door quickly or their sweet aroma would soon follow. But once settled in I soon fell in love with Enid and the friendships we grew there. Enid holds many memories of Mitchell. When we pulled in to town I saw the little cafe where we shared lunch with the Atwoods one day in late August of 1996 and I presented John with an extra large cookie that read "Congratulations DADDY!" I was pregnant with Mitchell. We then passed the Moto Photo where i took Mitchell faithfully every 3 months for his first year of life...I wanted to capture each and every inch he grew. I saw our first house that John and I purchased, where we prepared Mitchell's first room,where he took his first bite of food and took his first steps. Many sweet memories in that house.
The Kukendall family was a life saver for me, a new mommy who had to go back to work when Mitchell was 3 months old. The babysitter I had lined up fell through. Sarah kept Mitchell as a favor until I found someone......Mitchell began stealing hearts at a young age and after a day or 2 Sarah said she would keep him as long as I needed her to. She kept him for 15 months of his life. Mitchell loved going to "Sadah's" house and playing with "Bubby"(Chris) and "Sissy"(McKayla). He was a big part of their family as they still are to us today. We had a wonderful time with these families and are grateful for their friendships.
I am not sure why or if it will ever change, but every time we leave to go some where(out-of-town), I cry and when we head home I cry. I think it is because I feel like I am leaving Mitch behind, it is still hard for me not to pack his belongings in a suit case when we go some where. And then I have the heartache of returning to a home where he no longer lives......he won't be greeting us at the door upon our arrival.
We are still paddling our way through this river.....some days ocean...of grief.......the Lord continues to keep us afloat.....most days. |
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