John's profileTeam Whitaker Update Spa...PhotosBlogListsMore  |  Tools Help |
|
20/08/2008 BreadcrumbsToday God left me a little "breadcrumb" when I dropped Meredith off at her first day of school:
3 years ago when Mitchell was first diagnosed, Meredith was starting 1st grade....going to school all day for the first time. It was a very emotional day for John and I as we were still fresh into Mitchell's diagnosis and then leaving our "baby" for all day school....without her big brother to watch over her. We have some close friends whose son, I will call "Ben", was in Meredith's class. As we were heading out John leaned over to "Ben" and asked him a favor.....would he watch over Meredith until Mitchell came back to school, he told John he would. A few weeks into the school year Meredith shared with us at dinner one night how she thought "Ben" liked her. She said he was always trying to sit next to her at lunch and at "carpet time." John and I just grinned at each other because we knew what "Ben" was doing. TODAY I walked Meredith to her new 4th grade classroom, and who do you think her desk was right next to? Good ole "Ben!" The Lord knew I needed a little "breadcrumb" today.
Thank you God for your sufficient love and grace for me......................... 19/08/2008 Back to SchoolAs I sit here typing this entry I have the biggest lump in my throat, you know the one where you could cry, but are trying your hardest not to so the lump just sits there. It has actually been there all day....I took Meredith to meet her teacher today, who I think is going to be wonderful. Meredith is excited to have many of her friends in her class this year and enjoyed seeing all of her friends again. Me, on the other hand, not so excited about it all. Oh as much as I try to be excited about it for her my sadness at this time is so overwhelming.........Wishing so much that Mitchell were here, but even more that he were here to be there with her.
You see, I have an older brother, and when I was in the 9th grade he was a junior and we were at the same school. My brother and I were not the best of friends by any means, in fact I did not even know he really cared about me until this particular day. I was walking down the hallway, on the way to another class, and a big football player was teasing me, he took his big ole' hand and smacked me right on my hiney. I of course was caught of guard and some what fearful. I had no idea that my brother and his friends were walking behind me and saw this take place. Now you must know that my brother was not a big guy...compared to the football player, but he took him aside and told him to never touch his sister again........I do not remember all the details since that happened some 24 years ago, but I do remember knowing then that my brother would watch out for me.
This is what breaks my heart for Meredith. Mitchell had always been a grade ahead of her and would kind of give her the "heads up" of what to expect for her coming year. He adored her, they were buddies. When she would come and see him in the hospital she would just crawl up in the bed with him and they would just sit and watch t.v. or play video games together. We went through a time when Mitchell did not like to sleep by himself and he was getting too big to sleep between us and we were trying to encourage him to sleep on his own. We would wake up in the mornings and Meredith would be in bed with him. I remember asking one morning "How did this happen?" Mitchell shot me his sly grin and said "I went in and asked her if she would come sleep with me."(he was quite partial to his own bed after sleeping so many nights in a hospital bed) And what did Meredith say? "Sure." So, so Sweet. Oh how I miss seeing them together.
I have been wishing tomorrow away for days now, but I guess it is going to happen. I knew this would be a tough week, God did too, He sent me this verse in my Monday devotional.
"Glory belongs to God, whose power is at work in us. By this power He can do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine." (Ephesians 3:20)
This week I have felt plugged into an old corroded outlet......I am thankful that I can unplug from there and move over to a much more sufficient power. The power that created the universe and the power that shall never diminish.
13/08/2008 Pull up a chair.......this one may take awhile........
When my younger sister was about 2 years old she used to cover her face with her hands and say "You can't see me." Oh how I wished it really worked. As the summer ends I feel like I have to come out of hiding.....I will have to start facing everyone at Meredith's school. It's not that I do not like them....I have dear friends there, it's just that I always feel like people stare at me with that "pity look" thinking "Oh there is that mom whose son died......" I know they feel for us and many still do not know what to say or do.....neither do I most days.
These last couple of weeks have been spent taking Meredith to the doctor and dentist, orthodontist and oral surgeon(bless her...). I had to check deceased by brother way too many times(once is too many). Yesterday at the oral surgeons, I must have looked pale or something, as he tried to reassure me all would be fine when they put Meredith under to remove the baby teeth that are fused to her jaw bone. And then right after he left in came the nurse with all the paperwork to intial and sign that I understood all the risks involved........I did my best to keep my vomit down.....While there I had to answer "Do you have other children?" twice within 30 minutes....
While driving home from Texas earlier yesterday, it dawned on me what the date was. We, as a family of 4 were doing the exact same thing one year ago. We had just spent the weekend playing and swimming with the cousins. We had a contract on our house and on a new house in Tulsa......we were heading home to begin our new adventure. Mitchell never looked better.........One year ago today I took him in for a regular check up and found out that "it" was back. I still remember the look on the doctor's face and the nurse's faces as he asked me to come back to a room so we could talk. My heart sank to my gut.......I knew what we were going to talk about. I remember placing my face in my hands, oh how I wished then that I did become invivsible when I covered my face, and crying, asking the doctor "what do we do now?" I knew it was bad when his response was, "I am not sure, he has had most of the drugs available......." I dried my eyes and gathered the kids trying my hardest to not look like anything was wrong. I did not want to tell Mitchell there...not there.
I remember when Mitchell referred to the return of his cancer as a "road block." And we were ready to do WHATEVER we needed to do to get past that road block. But it was so much more than just a road block or even a detour, for us, 6 weeks later it was the end of the road.......the end of our road with Mitchell.
Sometimes I will do anything I can do to not to be alone with my thoughts. As we approach the "year mark" many memories come flowing, some I hope I never EVER forget...others I wish I would forget. I had a friend ask me today "Do you think the anticipation of the day of his death is harder than the actuall day will be?" I told her I would let her know........
As I reflect on this past year one thing I do know is that God IS good. His plan sure wasn't the one I would have picked, but he has not left our side. The same God that created this amazing world, who gave life to Mitchell, who still places my feet on the ground each morning, is now holding my precious boy.....I cannot imagine better hands to place the one whom I physically carried under my heart.
I will leave you with some word from a song that seem fitting for my year....actually for my life..I hope you enjoy them as well. As always, thank you for your many prayers and much love. We cherish each one of you!
....."When it's dark and it's cold and I can't feel my soul, You are good still good. When the world's gone grey and the rain is here to stay, You are good still good. With every breath I take it in, I'll tell you I am grateful again. And the storm may swell even then it is well and you are good. So good."
03/08/2008 Mitchell's Room"In the morning, oh Lord, hear my voice. In the morning I lay my needs in front of you, and I wait." (Psalms 5:3)
I have a new favorite spot to spend my quiet time with God. Surprisingly it is in Mitchell's room. I wasn't sure how I would feel about this spot at first, for so long it brought me so much pain to sit in there. But, now it is in there during my time with God, that I get my "life-flow," my strength and courage to handle each day. Where I can come to tap into the cool, refreshing spring of His living water that never runs dry. Oh, my Mitchell size hole still remains and I think will until the day I wrap my arms around him again. But, today.....today as I sit in his room looking at his picture and touching his things, the pain is not so unbearable. Today, as I turned the page in my devotional book (I began reading it the Sunday after Mitchell passed away)"Week 44," in 8 weeks it will be ONE year......today, I can feel the peace that only Christ can bring me. |
|
|
