Team Whitaker Update Space

Tonight I find myself experiencing an emotion that I had not experienced......and tried to avoid during Mitchell's illness and then after his death. I am almost embarrassed and ashamed to admit it, but I feel that maybe if I let it out in words I will feel better and maybe it will go away.....Tonight I am experiencing anger.....anger towards God.

This evening I read a story about a man, a father, here in town, who killed his 9 year old son, yes I said KILLED and later heard about a woman, a mother(in another state) that sold her 5 year old daughter to be a sex object and later they found the little girl's dead body. I am not sure if I can even put my feelings into words right now. In hearing this, I felt nauseated, a lump came up in my throat and I had to fight back the tears. So many thoughts came into my head.....one word kept repeating itself in my head.....WHY. Why in the world were these people allowed to be parents?! Why was this man allowed to have a son when obviously he was not father material, while was my son taken from me......WHY was this man allowed to be a father when we have a precious friend, a father of four, lying in a hospital bed fighting for his life after suffering a brain injury. Why was this woman allowed to have a precious daughter, when my friend is not able to have babies... WHY!?

I have not been one to ask God why......I believe that He loves me and that He knows and wants what's best for me. This emotion tonight came as a shock to me, I just do not understand. Do not misunderstand me.....I am not turning away from God I do still believe He loves me and His plan is what is best for my life. But I am after all only human. Some days I wish my time to meet Jesus would come soon so I could get my questions answered.

No special encouragement from me tonight.........just a mother missing her boy, wishing he were here and wondering WHY me?

Tomorrow morning I will be running the Maui Half Marathon with Team in Training to honor Mitchell. I had an idea that this would be an emotional trip and an amazing place......and I have been proven correct on both accounts. This was the place that Mitchell wanted to take his Make A Wish trip.....but we never made it.

2 years ago today we were wheeling into the PICU at OU Medical Center......trying desperately to save a life that Christ had already called home. 2 years ago today....as I watched him fight, claw, battle, and suffer.....was the first time that I told him that it was "Ok.....to let go. If you see Christ.....if you see a Light.....just run to it. We will be just behind you.....and we are so proud of you, son."

Time keeps moving on.....but the love of Christ remains the same. His good, pleasing and perfect will continues to play out in this life regardless of our circumstances. He has shown me much in the weeks leading up to this event.....and I don't know if I have ever felt closer to Him than I do right now. The Lord MOVED me this morning while listening to Matt Redmans new release "we shall not be shaken". Tears streamed down my face as I worked out.....as the words from this great artist became mine.

Father.....I love you.

Father.....thank you for this life you have given me.

Father.....thank you for giving your Son for me.

Father.....thank you giving your Son for my Son.

Father.....thank you for giving me Mitchell....and allowing me to see YOUR love for me through my relationship with him.

Father.....I praise you for working in my life.....feet made of clay....failures on display....but fighting to the end. I love you.....You are mighty to save, You alone are worthy, and Your love never fails.

GoMitchGo.....keep fighting.

I have been laying in bed awake now for the last hour and a half........it has been a while since I have been awake at this time......I use to wake up often between 2:30 and 3 am after Mitchell passed away. It's also been awhile since I have had trouble sleeping. I have been thinking about my schedule for the next few weeks...trying to plan each day and each moment to make sure things run smoothly, to make sure I am fitting everything I need to into each day and to make sure I am pleasing everyone involved in my schedule along the way. Truth is, I have been struggling with my schedule lately.......my list of "to do things" seems to get longer and longer, I have been shifting things to the next day quite often, I have found myself sitting more or at least wanting to sit more and doing less. And then I get mad at myself for not being more productive.....wondering what in the world is wrong with me! Moms do it all of the time, they work full-time jobs and come home to tend to their families and household chores and get up the next day and do it all over again. I have friends who are single moms that do it day after day....do they struggle like i am? I was tempted to ask my doctor at my "yearly" check up if these are symptoms of turning 40, maybe thats the reason for my struggles. As I lay in bed, shifting around my schedule in my head, getting all stressed out saying to myself "Tracy, what is wrong with you...people do this ALL of this time, you can do it!" I looked at the clock 2:40am.......ugh it hit me......almost 21 months ago now at this time we were awaken by the bell of Mitchell's monitor going off......we began to watch our son take his last few breaths......

The other night John and I went to go visit Mitch, I had not been in a while and we had not been together for some time. As we walked away hand in hand I began to weep....I could no longer hold it in and I feel like i can no longer hold it all together. I have been striving for sometime now to reach "normal" and I have to say I have done a pretty good job at it....we as a family have done a pretty good job at it. I have gone back to work(2 different jobs), we are involved in church and school, we are heavily involved the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society and have even started our own foundation in honor of Mitchell. All to get back to "normal".....or maybe more so to feel normal. We have done such a good job that people now just expect it from us. If you saw us and did not know our story you would never know that we lost a child to cancer, but for those who have Superman's x-ray vision you would see it clearly, right there on our hearts our Mitchell size hole still remains.

I debated on posting this.....I usually like to quote scripture and say something positive.....tonight(or actually this morning)I don't have it in me. MY REALITY is that the precious being that once grew INSIDE of me......right under my heart, who I watched grow and blossom for 10 years and 4 months is no longer here with me.......my son has DIED. And sometimes I have to say those words out loud because in my attempt to be normal I mask my reality. For us, on August 11, 2005 we stopped being "normal" when we began to fight cancer and on September 27, 2007 when we watched our son lose his battle to cancer we surpassed the chance of ever being labeled norman again.

So maybe I should cut myself a little slack now and then.......thank you for being my "sounding board." Off to bed.....my to do list begins in 1 1/2 hours........

Well, we made it through May......I did hibernate to some degree. Not so much staying in just staying "clear." I did a lot more texting and emailing instead of calling, I didn't even call my mother weekly like I normally do(sorry mom), all to avoid answering that question so often asked "How are you?" San Diego residents have a saying for May due to the many cloudy days they call it May Grey....Team Whitaker had a Grey May. However, I will say we did have some great events. Mitchell's birthday celebration at the OU baseball game was amazing! We had a great turnout and thanks to Power Roofing we donated close to $4200 more to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society in Mitch's honor. On May 22nd Mitchell's classmates promoted on to 6th grade/Jr. High. John and I attended the special ceremony. It was bitter sweet, we have watched many of these kids....Mitch's buddies....grow up for the last 6 years so we were proud of them, but I couldn't help but try to picture Mitch up there on stage with them, wondering how tall he would be, how he would be wearing his hair, what awards he would have won etc. They did a special tribute to Mitchell, it was nice for John and I to see this. I think we feel so many times that Mitchell is forgotten, but they let us know that he is still a very big part of them as well. I am so grateful that God provided the opportunity for my kids to go to Bethany Elementary......it has been a huge blessing to our lives.

So, I will admit that I was glad to see May behind us....Welcome June and summertime!

And now Meredith, I LOVE having her home with me. She is so fun and SO funny and she is SO ready to be in the 5th grade. She has even printed off the supply list for next year already, we have already purchased her "bag" not a backpack because 5th graders do not use backpacks. It makes me sad how excited she is.....if she could snap her fingers or wiggle her nose to become 16 I really think she would. Funny story, the other day she asked me how old she had to be to start wearing make-up, I told her she could not wear it before 7th grade. She then replied "because by then I will be matured and will get my puberty?" To this I said "What do you think happens when you get your puberty?" She said "My voice will get lower." :) Yes, I know, I am planning on having "the talk" this summer, but it sure made me laugh. I was reminded in that moment, after sitting and sulking for the month of May....feeling robbed of my joy with the loss of Mitchell, that we do still have laughter and joy, that God is not finished with us yet and we will continue to look to Him to guide our steps.

Praise the Lord for new months and Praise the Lord for Meredith Grace. Remember to count your blessings! Much love, Tracy